This week I want to point you towards a great voice in the matchmaking chorus. I had a chance to sit down with Darby Roach, author of a wonderful book titled “Your 3-second Window – Changing Everyday Moments into Extraordinary Opportunities for Success.” His a long-time
graphic designer and his premise is simple – the first three seconds of any encounter creates a first impression which can define an entire interaction. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to point out that “you never get a second chance to make a first impression”, but Darby has some advice that we can all apply directly to our dating encounters.
Making an impactful impression, says Darby, touches back into a reward system that in our subconscious mind says “this will help me survive, this will help me get food, shelter or reproduce.” Basic survival instincts are as strong and important today as they were when we were living in caves. This is part of the reason why first dates at dinner have greater success. All of us have some degree of the “X Factors” of charisma, joie de vivre and grace that tie back into the basic needs of survival, and as they reveal themselves we make impact on our interactions. Two tips he gives for successful interactions are:
- Exert “kinetic empathy”, which means “mirroring” some of the physical traits of your date – if they are crossing their legs or have their hands on the table, as you “reflect” this back you create a sense of familiarity that translates into “safe”.
- Create an “open” space in front of you – arms not crossed, head up, eye contact. This translates into a basic sense of security and protection that plays to the heart of primal needs.
For much more detail you can get a preview of his book here.
This puts into a whole new light a lot of dating preferences that we have traditionally labeled as “shallow”. Wanting a man that is financially secure isn’t necessarily being a golddigger, it might just be responding to the primal need of “financial security = survival”. Similarly, men who prefer busty women may be subconsciously responding to “race survival” impulses.