We’re in the heart of summer wedding season and the flurry of matrimony is making the summer fly by! If you’ve been to more than two weddings, you have inevitably heard the chit-chat in the back row as guests evaluate every flower, bridesmaid dress, chair layout and
music choice. The conversation almost always then comes around to the groom and “is he the right guy/is he ready?” You rarely hear this same line of questioning about the bride – I guess it is just the nature of man vs. woman and stereotypes about their perceptions of marriage.
As the Matchmaker in the crowd, I often find myself entertaining the question “How do you know if a guy is ready?” or “How can a girl tell if her man is moving towards the altar?”
Two things first: having this conversation at the ceremony is a little too late, and “is he ready?” is a very different question than “is he the right guy?” Let’s assume that this couple has found the common ground and excitement that can become the bedrock of a lifetime of happiness, and the open variable is whether this guy is altar-bound.” I use two questions to get to the heart of “is he ready?” – and these questions are just as important for an aspiring-bride as they are for a self-reflecting potential-groom.
Question #1: do you WANT to get married? It seems pretty basic, but it cuts to the heart of what marriage “means” to you. Is it the freedom to experience unmatched joy, or is it an unbelievable restriction on your personal choices? Is it the “without hesitation” decision you make so that you can take the next step in deepening a relationship, or is it the “it seems like it’s about time” decision you make as part of some adherence to some socially-accepted calendar of life achievements?
Question #2: do you WANT to spend the rest of your life with this woman? Again, this seems pretty basic, but I’m trying to separate out the “I COULD spend the rest of my life with her...” grooms from the “I CAN’T WAIT to spend the rest of my life with her” grooms.
Here’s my controversial statement: I know dozens of very successful marriages that could only initially answer “YES” to one of the two questions. Sure, I wish every couple was standing up on their wedding day with two resounding “Y’s” on their answer sheet, but I have also found that a single “Yes” can be rich enough soil for a healthy and long marriage. I know guys that aren’t drawn to the institution of marriage, but have found miraculous women they can’t imagine being apart from for even one more day. Similarly, I know women committed to the life that begins with marriage, and their guy is “good enough” to start the journey.
At Kelleher International, we deliberately screen for question #1. We are not a dating service, we are a matchmaking service and our commitment to our clients is that we only work with marriage-minded elite singles. Sometimes during the preliminary interviews we will discover that our potential client is more interested in the "idea" or the "image" of a relationship, but is not yet mentally in a position to participate in one. We recommend that for everyone's happiness that we might want to wait before partnering to find romance.
So next time you’re sitting down to ask your friend about the marriage plans, or if you are doing a little self-examination prior to engagement, ask yourself these two questions and then make the right altar-choice.