Insecurity can be especially paralyzing while searching for your someone. Each of our lives is a melting pot of ups and downs and game-changing events which create very distinct quirks and insecurities in us all - even the most successful and confident in the room. The Kelleher International matchmakers work intently with clients to face and challenge their insecurities readying them to meet their match. This week we’re sharing our thoughts on insecurity and what you can do to shift lanes and begin dating with confidence.
Director of Matchmaking Kimberly Colgate begins, “My key advice to our matchmakers is to meet the clients where they are. Most singles join Kelleher at an intersection in their life - coming out of a breakup, divorce, or the death of a family member. They’re often battling the idea of meeting new people and dating. Our goal as matchmakers is to ease this transition so they can enjoy making new connections in the midst of life happening. There will never be a perfect time or set of circumstances, so it is our job to figure out where they are and what they need to be successful.”
Embrace Who You Are and What You Want
Dating insecurities stem from being unsure about where you are in life. It’s critical to be okay with how your life is at this very moment even if it’s not close to your standards of perfection. You must nurture and love yourself before you can make space for another. Focus on the things you can control and let go of everything else. Evaluate and capitalize on what is working for you, and you’ll feel the momentum shift.
Matchmaker Patty Russell explains, “The majority of Kelleher clients have achieved much success in their professional lives, but their confidence wanes in meeting the love of their life. The most attractive characteristic of any man or woman is the air of confidence they exude without being egotistical. Many men say that a woman is very sexy when she is confident in who she is, and it comes across. Any person can be drop-dead gorgeous, but if they are insecure, they become much less attractive. I work with a client who is amazing, sweet, successful, but very insecure and it shows in most of his introductions. While talking to me, he is relaxed; however, when this client meets a woman he likes, he becomes deeply nervous and appears weak. You cannot be afraid to be yourself when you meet someone. You have to love yourself first before you can attract the right person into your life.”
Kimberly adds, “I encourage you to look at whom you are trying to attract. Often clients come to us wanting the person they aspire to be. Unfortunately, that person typically wants to meet their equal which can create rejection and frustration. When you look in the mirror would you want to date you? If the answer is no, consider sitting down and writing a description of who you are now and whom you want to work to become. Be sure to highlight your accomplishments, best attributes and desirable qualities which is something often overlooked when feelings of insecurity are sitting heavily on your shoulders.”
Choose Joy Over Insecurity
Kelleher International’s Nahla Grafer explains the glaring difference you’ll notice by navigating the dating scene from a place of joy and security.
“There is truth to the idea that life isn’t about the destination, but rather the journey in getting there. Be happy and joyful in the dating process by shifting your mindset of dating from a chore to a practice - an opportunity to cultivate your best self and explore connections along the way. By freeing yourself to be in the flow, you’ll notice with every introduction that you’re getting closer and closer to what you want.
Focus on cultivating magnetic, attracting qualities within yourself by practicing transparency, honesty, fun, joy, and curiosity. See what shows up for you and be playful with it.
Dating and relationships are not supposed to be hard, but they are for those who believe it’s everyone else's responsibility to show up in a certain way for they themselves to feel good. The secure person decides to feel good/happy/secure/deserving/worthy of love regardless of their circumstances. If you focus on being that person no doubt, others who feel the same way will show up in your experience, and it will be a fun rendezvous!"
Cultivate Positive Pre-Date Vibes
Nahla suggests, “Your energy arrives before you do so be conscious and aware of the thoughts you have before any meeting. Ladies, leave your executive hat at the office, go home, take a hot shower to wash the day away, and meditate if that is routine for you. Don’t forget to turn on music that inspires and cultivates fun, exciting energy while you’re getting ready. Moreover, before walking out the door send love to the date and the place you’re meeting. Visualize everything working out perfectly.”
Erin Soskin, Kelleher matchmaker, says, “Make sure to wear an outfit that makes you feel both confident and comfortable. If you have any pre-date hesitations text a pic of your outfit to a stylish friend for assistance or approval and ask for a quick confidence booster. Ladies, be certain you can walk in your shoes. Eliminate any distractions or doubts that will bring out your insecurities.”
Be Willing to Dance on that First Date
Insecurities tend to get magnified during the dating experience, but there are things you can do on a first date to minimize the risk. Erin explains, “As matchmakers, we recommend keeping your first date light, fun, and flirty. Don’t dive into the heavy conversation and certainly don’t focus on negative topics. If your date brings up a subject that’s a bit uncomfortable for you, I encourage you to take a breath, be you, and be honest in a way that highlights your strengths. For instance, if the subject of work comes up and you're going through a job change - don't flatly say you're unemployed. That creates an awkward moment for both of you. Let your date know that you recently left your previous job to pursue your passion for [fill in the blank] and you're so excited about this new adventure. Every date and connection has a unique rhythm; keep an open heart and mind to find yours. Relationships are a give-and-take, and first dates are a beautiful dance that won't move anywhere with both people standing still.”
If you enjoy your date, be sure to let them know. “One thing we see as matchmakers is clients waiting to follow-up with their date until they know from us how the other person felt about them; they're not confident enough to reach out without a nudge. It is much more attractive when someone follows up promptly. If you go out with someone and have a pleasant time, send a short text and thank them regardless of romantic interest. If you are interested in seeing them again, let them know! Tell them you had a great time and would like to see them again. Having the confidence to let someone know what you're feeling is greatly appreciated by both genders and can sway someone who is maybe not sure if they want a second date.”
Bottom line, cultivating security in who you are will unlock one of the most essential qualities for a successful journey to finding your true love. Insecurity is no match for confidence. If you need a love coach to help you get there, we’re here to help.