Many new relationships flame out quickly because each person loses sight of their core values and personal goals while in the throes of new love. As the newness wears off and the couple comes up for air, there’s a sense of unhappiness that surfaces with them. And right or wrong, the blame typically gets pinned on the relationship. Fortunately, with a little awareness and motivation, you can avoid this relationship quicksand by creating an environment of inspired love.
Building a union that lasts requires a focus on the fundamental goals of the individuals to support the health of the couple. The Kelleher matchmakers share their insight to help you do just that.
Share your dreams and get your collective priorities straight. The beginning of the year or the beginning of a relationship is a great time to revisit your personal goals and how you’re tracking on your path to fulfillment. Share your goals for the year with your partner and ask to hear there's. Seeing this big picture perspective of each of your priorities will help you better support and encourage one another along the way.
Kelleher's CEO Club Matchmaker Patty Russell warns, “This is an important exercise at the beginning of a new relationship. Don’t compromise on what is important to you for the sake of having a romantic partner. When two people get into a new relationship, communication is key. Articulate your core needs and desires right from the beginning, so there is no confusion when something comes up.”
Be a sounding board, not a megaphone. Being a supportive partner can be a slippery slope when your instinct is to weigh in with your opinion and perspective regularly. Do not intervene in your partner’s dreams. Be a considerate co-pilot by consistently offering support, and only sharing advice when asked.
Patty suggests, “Sharing thoughts, dreams, and priorities is a keen insight into who someone is at their core. Your partner will show you who they are; don't think you can start tweaking or changing them if something doesn't line up exactly with your criteria. Be your authentic self and allow them the same courtesy. If you can’t do that, they aren’t your person.”
Be a positive partner, but be realistic. Offering support doesn’t mean you have to lie if you disagree or don’t like what your mate shares with you. Be honest yet delicate with constructive criticism always speaking with loving transparency. And if your feedback highlights a problem offer a solution.
Take care of yourself and each other. Looking good and feeling great does wonders for your motivation and sex drive. Slacking on your wellness routine once you’re comfortable in a relationship can slowly deteriorate your motivation. It’s important to stay committed to your personal and emotional health to inspire the best in your partner. Always lead by example!
Give each other and the relationship space to grow. As you both embark on your own goals, there should be a healthy amount of space between the two of you. Be secure enough to give the one you love some breathing room. It's okay not knowing your partner's every move throughout the day; it provides something to talk about when you finally connect. Discuss the highlights and challenges of your day or week when you get together after the dust settles and you’re both in a relaxed frame of mind. Independence and curiosity never stop being sexy.
As matchmakers, we encourage the idea of leaning into change and discomfort, but sometimes there’s a need to lean back. Kelleher Matchmaker Nahla Grafer explains, “A current client who’s enjoyed a lovely, long-distance romance for a year is feeling her partner pull away from her. In the discomfort of uncertainty, she sent him an email professing her love and how much she wants him and this relationship which was met with silence. Instead of sending yet another email which was her inclination, I’ve encouraged her to take a deep breath and pause. As uncomfortable as it is she needs to lean back and allow him to lean in. I’ve coached her to focus on what she knows about him which is that he’s kind and respectful rather than focusing on what her ego wants her to do which is get some validation and security.”
Practice genuine love rather than attached love. Genuine love is the act of loving someone, therefore, wanting their happiness regardless if it includes you. Attached love is the act of loving someone, thus, needing them to make you happy and supply you with a sense of well-being. The problem that often occurs in new relationships is that the idea of love is mistaken for attachment. Early on in a relationship, it’s typical for constant attention and clinginess to be the act that shows you love and care for your partner. In reality, those are acts of attachment and eventually cause more pain than good because the more we grasp onto someone or something, the easier and more painful it is to lose. Ideally, individuals come together in coupledom already fulfilled within themselves rather than seeking fulfillment in each other.
Whether you're dating, in a new relationship, or at the crossroads of romantic love there's one constant that will never guide you wrong - your North Star of love if you will - and that is inspiration. A soul motivated by desire and curiosity burns bright and is a beacon for other like-minded seekers. If you're feeling stalled out and need a nudge, let us assist you. Leave questions or observations for the Kelleher matchmaking team in the comments below or give us a call to learn more about our firm and how we can help inspire your path to personal growth and romantic love in 2018.