I’ve been single this long. And as it turns out I kind of like it - doing what I want when I want. Sure it would be nice to have somebody, but what am I willing to sacrifice to get them? Besides, what’s the rush? I keep swiping right, and the picks seem endless, so I’m not worried. I don’t see the benefit in deciding.
Welcome to the “What’s next?” dating culture. It doesn’t sound very sexy or encouraging, does it? What's the solution?
As matchmakers, we’ve watched digital dating apps and websites change the rules on finding love. We’ve also witnessed a broad swath of singles give up on the idea of discovering their match and resign to this “What’s next?” mentality where the joy is in anticipating how much better the next person will be instead of leaning into the one that’s right in front of them.
Are you guilty of the “What’s next?” attitude?
It’s essential to realize life is a game and at the heart of the game is the art of seduction. Unfortunately, screens limit human connection and today’s modern singles are losing - or never even developing - the skill of seduction. Modern dating is in part to blame for this atrophy and the apathetic attitudes toward commitment in life and love.
So what’s a single looking for connection supposed to do?
Psychiatrist Dr. Raj Persaud studied the importance of seduction skills for minimizing distress in all parts of our lives. He discussed the findings in this TEDx Talk. Dr. Persaud broke down relationships into three critical phases:
Attention - Attraction
Interest - Make a connection
Maintenance - Keeping it going
Theoretically, we may be naturally skilled in one area, but need improvement in another thus struggling with getting or keeping relationships afloat. Singles who are great at relationship maintenance might not be as skilled at attracting them therefore when single, find themselves that way for long periods of time. During that time the “What’s next?” mentality settles in. It’s so important to catch yourself when “What’s next?” whispers in your ear - remind yourself to choose mindfully, be present, genuinely show up on dates, and practice the art of seduction.
Conversely, many couples in long-term relationships or marriages don’t recognize the importance of continually sequencing through the three phases of relationships. This organic cycle of seduction shown below hones strong, healthy connections.
Dr. Persaud explains your mission quite simply: If you want to seduce someone, find an unmet need and fill it. It’s important to note that being a “fixer” isn’t sexy and doesn't count as an act of seduction. It subconsciously sends the message that something is wrong with the person you’re trying to seduce, and when “the thing” is fixed then you’ll want them, so don’t do that. Instead, summon your inner-Casanova and play the long game with the willingness to be vulnerable and open to possibility. With this new mindset and commitment to courting, the next time you consider “What’s next?” it just might be your inner-self urging you to take your blossoming relationship to the next level.
If you're ready to abandon the troublesome "What's next?" mindset and are serious about finding your match, give us a call, and we’ll talk you through the Kelleher experience.